Domino,

I'm sorry you were born into these circumstances. No living creature deserves to go what you went through. To be bought from the store and then raised by people who knew little to nothing about taking care of you, and then to be thrown out into the outside world to expect to fend for yourself because they could not care less. No one deserves to be rejected and bullied by the flock you grew up. I'm so grateful you managed to find safety and comfort in us, even if it was only for a little while. I hope I did not scare you, I hope you enjoyed all the food I gave you, and I hope you enjoyed your nights sleeping in our garden. I hope the time I spent outside with you made you feel less alone, I hope I showed you that not all living creatures are out to get you. No one faults you for anything. You did not know any better, you could not know any better.

I loved you very, very dearly. You were not a pet, you were a companion.

Rest in peace, Domino.

July 2024-June 2025

I'm not dead. I applied for a new job but I haven't got a response back yet so I might have to find another one. I'm really fucking dizzy and lightheaded. I drank my mom's stupid cucumber lemon watermelon blueberry ginger whateverthefuck water and started feeling this way, but I don't know why that would do that. I ate something sugary and something salty, neither of those things helped. I don't knowwwwwwwwwww

Anyways, I watched the 2007 Doctor Strange movie and it's so fucking funny for no reason. Like the first few seconds of the dude screaming and dying in the sewers had me dead. In my opinion, the movie was alright. Nothing crazy, but fun to watch as someone whose never really watched old Marvel movies. The pacing was weird, which kinda makes sense since it was only an hour long, but the art style is so nice and nostalgic. It made me remember that one Spider-Man cartoon I used to watch on Disney XD I was little, I think it was Ultimate Spider-Man? Anyways, Doctor Strange was hot as fuck in the movie. He looks so good in this style that it's sickening.

  

I like his sorcerer outfit a lot in this movie too. I don't read the comics (MCU/Rivals fan, sue me), so I'm not sure if this is a design he already had before, but the sleek red and black is so nice, I wish we saw this fit more outside of this movie. His hair is really nice too, I like the longer look.

  

Ngl, I was admiring him most of the time, but when I wasn't, I also appreciated the designs of Wong and Mordo. I hate using brainrot words but damn, Mordo had aura. Kinda wish he looked as intimidating in the MCU, but I understanding he was a good guy in the first movie so they couldn't really do that (and he disappears after that so like, okay?). Wong was also cool, but I prefer MCU Wong (and Ancient One for that matter) for sure though. Also the other sorcerers were just pretty cool, I liked how they all had their own unique weapons and powers like fucking anime characters or something. I'm 99% sure they were original to the movie? But I liked these ladies in particular.

> 

Anyways, other thoughts I had about the movie. Pre-sorcerer Strange felt like ten times more of a jackass in this movie than the MCU one, which was way more fitting tbh and something I wish they kept. The storyline was just okay, nothing really special or creative. The flashback scenes with Strange and his little sister were somewhat funny, but not for the reason you think. To me, it was just so weird and awkward to watch, siblings do not act like that, man (at least in my experience as someone who is very close to my older brother). Also Strange's young design just screamed early 2000's. Trent from Daria looking ass.

I want to rewatch the MCU Doctor Strange movie now. I can't believe I'm legimately going through a Marvel phase. I became what I swore to destroy. Fuck Marvel Rivals for doing this to me.

Off topic, what happened to Waifu.ist??? It's been down for probably weeks now. It's really odd. Strange, even. Did they finally decide to shut it down because it was no longer anime waifus but object show characters or whatever the fuck instead? Joking, but you never know. Luckily I have my site backed up, so I might just put it up here instead if the site just never comes back up.

I'm seriously thinking about it. I have it prepared. But I don't want to fail. I don't want to be in pain or in the hospital. And I'm scared. I don't really want to do it. I just want attention. I want to be understood. The pixels on the screen can only be stand-ins for so long. The idea of after death terrifies me. It shouldn't, I mean, it's literally nothing. I won't exist. But that's such a hard concept for me to register. There's no pain or perceiving, that's just it. I always think "What if there's more?" but there isn't more. I don't know. I'm just really tired. My sleep schedule is fucked up. I'm not going to do it. It probably wouldn't even work. It takes a lot for it to work, and I only have 100mg. I don't have enough, or I'd just throw everything up. Like last time. The pain was horrible and the ringing wouldn't stop. I want a guarantee. I won't do it.

Snow day yesterday, it was the first time we've seen actual snow in probably ten years. Snowmen were pretty hard to make because the snow just wouldn't stick together, but we still had fun. I was really worried for the ducks, but they ended up fine, they just didn't like to eat the snow off the ground.

   

Maybe I'll make a movie reviews page, but for now:

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - 6/10

Enjoyable enough, especially since I, like most people, are fatigued with Marvel movies. I only watched it because of Marvel Rivals (damn that game, it's actually making me watch the movies...)

The concept of a bunch of ragtag outsiders finding family in each other is one I will always love, and the way the movie pulled it off is really great too because they're all criminals after each other. I just have to give it points for that.

Had no strong feelings towards the designs of any of the characters or background species. It's just... boring, to be honest, not even just because it's CGI, they just feel uninspired. Didn't care for any of the combat either. Villian wasn't notable at all.

The romance plotline between Peter and Gamora exists, I guess. It feels sudden. Peter is certainly a character that also exists. I tried to like to whole silly distraction scene at the end, telling myself "it's campy" or whatever, but it just feels so dumb because immediately after, the dude like, almost fucking disintegrates. The tone gives me whiplash and not in a cool way, but in a way that's hard to take seriously. Also it doesn't help that the CGI is goofy. CGI CGI CGI blah blah you've already heard a million rants about it, you don't need to hear another one.

I really like Rocket, I feel like the way his insecurity and hurt came out so abruptly is realistic. Something that seems like it's not a big deal, keep it inside, do the same with everything else and it just all snowballs until you end up blowing up at the littlest of things, and people think it's just because of that little thing but it's really not, it's because of everything before it and, well, you get it. The straw that broke the camel's back, essentially. Speaking of backs, I really appreciate the scene where Peter and Rocket were changing, and Peter catches a glance of Rocket's back filled with some sort of cybernetic parts. It looks like it hurts, and it's a quiet show at what Rocket went through. Also his friendship with Groot is so pure. I guess what I'm saying is that Rocket was really done the best in the movie.

It was genuinely pretty funny too. I loved Drax's deadpan and literal attitude towards metaphors and any sort of figurative speech. Another trope I'm an absolute sucker for.

Anyways, it wasn't bad. Enjoyable, like I said.

Maybe my medication really hasn't been working. Or I dunno, did it even work in the first place? Maybe I was just in a better state of mind and as a result, associated my happiness with the medication. Is the medication even really supposed to make me happy, or is it just supposed to keep my mood stable? I guess I feel stable, not overly depressed or anything, just... tired. Really tired. Maybe I'm just in a little rut because of the Christmas family gathering. The Thanksgiving one took a lot of out me, and it took a while for me to feel better again. Maybe this is the same? I dunno, I also feel bummed out because generally I've just been... stuck inside. Yeah sure sometimes I walk my dog and stuff, but I don't feel the same spark to explore and keep going like I did the first time. I just need to do something different. Maybe I'm just bored. It'll all pass, eventually.

On a lighter note, I found my big brother's old digital camera. It's an Olympus D-395, and it still works! I was taking a few pictures with it and when I decided to check the gallery, I got jumpscared by all of the old pictures my brother took with it like, twelve or thirteen years ago. My brother took so many pictures of our former dog, Buddy. He loved him so much. I loved him too, but my brother always had a more tender heart. He also took pictures of the most mundane things, like pictures of the movies he was watching, random food he was eating, or the outside. I find it all so pure, just a child entranced by new technology and just wanting to document everything for the hell of it. I wish digital cameras were still widely used. There's just something about having to pull out a whole other device to capture a moment seem better than just clicking on the camera app on the whim and taking the picture.

      

Decided to archive my old journal entries because you know, new year. I've been really out of it lately, Christmas sucked ass as I expected, all the talks of politics and shit like that. I miss my older brother so much. He's one of the only people who keep me sane, really. He's been feeling sad and homesick, especially during the holidays. Unlike me, he loves Christmas. Loves spending time with family. He's pure like that, a good person. Three more months man. Three more months and he'll be home.

I always thought new years resolutions were dumb, but now, I get it. I have a few things I want to do this year. One, I want to be meaner. Not really, but more of if someone is making me uncomfortable, I'm going to express it instead of being walked all over. Two, I want to read more. Three, draw more. Four, learn to drive. Five, play Metal Gear Rising: Revengance. Five, actually make friends. Six, just be more spontaneous.

Speaking of being spontaneous, I pierced my ears on a whim and cut my bangs. Corny, but those are things I've never done before, primarily because I always overthink and find myself without motivation, so being able to do those things and feel happy with the results is a pretty nice feeling. Well, I don't know if I enjoy that my ears are pierced now. They're not infected or hurting or anything, but it's annoying to sleep with them, and I have to keep them in for like, six months or else the holes will close up??? I'm thinking of just taking them out and forgetting about them. Whatever.

Anyways, I think I'm okay. Tired, but it'll pass.