Friday, December 20th
Haunted by the fact that women don't have their own last names. But also, last names are just a social construct, right? So I'll give myself my own last name, my "legal" one sucks anyway. Last names were used to identify certain people, right? Whether by their appearance, or if they came from a certain place, or worked a certain job... How about "Nicky Cottonmouth". Because I always have a problem speaking up. Nicky Rotbed, because I rot in bed. Nicky Dweller, because I... dwell. Nicky Lurking for similar reasons. Nicky Black because I like the color black and my hair is black. There are many options, I quite like coming up with them. I am me, I don't exist to carry down a legacy, I exist to make one. I think Nicky Black is the best.
One of my biggest irrational (?) fears is getting a tapeworm. Last night, I was very convinced that I had one. At one in the morning, I suddenly woke up. There was this dull, lingering feeling of nausea in my stomach, and although it didn't hurt outright, I guess, it bothered me to the point where I became very, very restless, unable to lay in my bed anymore. My eyes and brain were tired, but my body just refused to let me sleep, I was too lethargic to pace around. I threw up a couple of times, but all that came out was stomach acid and the slight remenants of pulled pork I ate hours ago. Usually, vomiting would stop the nausea for me, but in this case, it still lingered. The only thing that seemed to calm me down the slightest was laying on the bathroom floor. I tried to get myself to go back to bed and asleep, but of course, I couldn't, with a mixture of the sickness and the nervousness that there was something wrong with me. I looked up tapeworm symptoms on my phone and at the time, they seemed to have matched. Even though I didn't remember eating undercooked meat, that day, I was outside for a while, picking up rocks from our lake nearby or trying to catch minnows in a more isolated area. That entire time, I didn't really care how dirty my hands got when I dug into the dirt or touched the filthy water, telling myself that "I'll just wash them at home" and, yeah, I did, but there was a part of me that told me that I didn't do it good enough. I was so sure that some tapeworm eggs might've lingered underneath my fingernails, and when I ate food later that day, I ate them too. And now, they're hatched and living in my stomach, and I was focused so hard on trying to feel if I could feel them moving in my intestines or not. I ran to the bathroom another time to throw up again, and when I did, my dad heard me heaving from downstairs, and asked what was wrong. I just told him my stomach hurt, and he gave me some alkaseltzer and returned back to his room. Of course, the nausea still persisted, and I, being the big twenty year old baby I am apparently, went downstairs to my parents' bedroom, just for the comfort. I don't get sick often, but when it happens, it always sucks so freaking bad, to the point where I cry. My mom was asleep, but my dad was understanding, even though I was silent and laying on their floor, because like I said, it was the most comfortable place for me. After maybe ten minutes, I went to their bathroom, and... laid on the bathroom rug. It felt very comfortable, actually, and I'm pretty sure I might've dozed off, or maybe been close to, before I suddenly felt the need to, well, take a dump. So, I did that just and... viola, the nausea was gone. I felt completely normal again. Of course, I was still freaking lethargic as hell, so I laid on the bathroom rug some more until finally, I got the energy to get up, tell my dad that I felt better, and went back to my room to finally sleep in my bed. So, it wasn't a tapeworm, it was just constipation. Or maybe IBS, I swear, I have the sneaking suspicion that I have it.
I mean, the idea of me getting a tapeworm isn't that super farfetched? I mean, I already talked about how I like getting my hands dirty, and even though I wash them, it's not like I wash them 100% of the time. Yeah, I'm nasty, I know. Plus, I am a huge fan of rare steak, I always wished I could just eat meat raw like a dog. I never have, obviously, but, the mind worries... Sometimes, I try to cope with the idea of a tapeworm by telling myself jokingly "it's not a big deal, it's just an extra friend" or whatever. I also like to ask people "if there was a super nice tapeworm that didn't hurt you and just ate your extra food in your stomach, would you keep it?" and pretend to be sad when people say "fuck no". Why do I do that, I fucking hate tapeworms. Ugh.
The ducks trust me enough to literally walk on me when they want to now, and today, I managed to carry a duck. It was the first time I ever did it, I realize now that I'm not sure how to carry them. However, I made sure not to hurt her, and she seemed fine, given how she kept coming back to me regardless. It was the beige duck that was the first one who ever ate out of my hand. She was the boldest, so I thought it would be safest to carry her first. She is very soft and cute. I think I want to try and carry the white peking duck next, since he's as big as a small dog, and he also seems to climb on me too. I love ducks, they are so funny and silly.
Oh yeah, I made another batch of chocolate chip muffins yesterday since I devoured the other one. I like the way these came out more, very very yummy.
Wednesday, December 18th
I think therapy is making me evil. No, that's not really what I mean, but kinda? I realize now "wow I have self worth and I'm not the piece of shit" so my opinions matter and I'm not being rude or bitchy, I'm just speaking up for myself. Setting my own boundaries. And when I do it I get a bit of an adrenaline rush but also I feel like I'm like. Everything. Is it pride? Is it really as big of a deal as I'm making it, or is it such a foreign feeling that my mind recognizes it as something bad, like a bacteria to a white blood cell, if you will. I do whatever I want is what I'm trying to say. Christmas is coming up, will I or will I not hurt peoples' feelings? Do I have the right to speak up even though everyone in my family shares the same general opinion? Something tells me I should, because there's a part in the back of my mind that just wants to start shit. But I won't. It's just one of those thoughts, you know? The ones you think of but know are wrong so you don't do them. I love my family, but it'd be nice for things to change, you know? Everything should revolve around me. Not really but that's how I feel like I'm acting like when I write this stuff down. I'm treading between the fine line of being selfish and arrogant VS having self confidence, I suppose. Who knew it took me just talking to some random ass person to start acting like I'm the next messiah?
Oh yeah, I changed meds too, and I have a lingering suspicion that they're working? When I was on my old meds, I never felt the whole "I deserve to be heard and I'm gonna be so evil today" thing. My definition of evil is being slightly mean, lol. Instead of Prozac, I'm on Citalopram. Taking the smallest dose for now, but I feel miles better than when I was on my old meds. I can actually cry and cum now, which is insane to say and may sound counterproductive to others, but I'm just happy to feel my goddamn emotion and sexual satisfaction again. I was so numb on my old meds that it was stressing me out incredibly. I was worried I was permanently damaging myself or something (yes, I don't really know how meds work). I always wanted to skip them, but for this one, I feel perfectly fine taking it everyday. I guess it's not so farfetched that it's probably working on me, after all, Citalopram is also what my mom is taking. Genetics and all.
Anyways, I made chocolate chip muffins today. They were okay, they didn't dome up as much as I wanted to. Also bathed my dog, fed my "pet" ducks (my grandma and mom recently referred to the ducks as my pets, and I've happily accepted it), deposited money in my bank, bought a Christmas gift for my nana, talked to my older brother, walked my dog and did a lot of chores. That sounds like a normal day to other people, but to me, it was very productive! I usually rot in bed and hate myself or be a stupid NEET.
I'm dreading Christmas only because I don't... want to be around my family. My mom and dad are fine I guess, but like I said in a previous entry, I just don't like when they're all together with my nana and my aunt. Everything feels so damn fake and it is fake because immediately when we all get into the car, we all start talking shit. It's all so tiring and needless. At least there will still be presents. The good thing about being twenty and looking and acting like you're fourteen is that everyone still treats you as such. I remember one time, my mom avoided saying the word "dying" around me when I asked what the meaning of a beneficiary because she thought I was too young to hear it, even though I'm a goddamn twenty year old. Yeah, being coddled has its downsides obviously, but I like being doting on sometimes. I thought that was sweet and funny. I think I'm just a brat, man.
Sunday, December 1st
On Thanksgiving day, my little sister and I found a dead squirrel in our backyard. Our dog was sniffing around our big pine tree when he pulled it out from the shrubs. An exterminator my dad called had previous set up poison outside in our backyard to kill the rats, but it looks like a squirrel got to it instead. It's rather sad, it was a squirrel that was probably a regular visitor to our backyard, since my dad and I usually leave out little nuts for them. My dog grabbed the squirrel off the table and started trying to chew on him, so I had to pry his mouth open and yank him out. Since the squirrel died from poison, obviously, I don't want my dog to eat him.
My sister and I buried the squirrel in the garden. The squirrel was big, so I had to use an actual big shovel to make the hole. I felt like an old fashioned grave digger. I don't think I buried it deep enough, but it was what I could do. I put the owl statue over the grave as a symbol of protection, I suppose. The hunter protects the hunted. My intentions are not entirely pure, I do plan to dig the grave back up in a few months to see if I can fetch the skull. I have recently been interested in collecting animal skulls, starting with rats. I try to justify it by saying I'm persevering the animal, but I know it's bullshit. I'm selfish, I'm cruel, and I like pretty things that fit in the palm of my hand.
Friday, November 22nd
I don't know, I haven't found myself motivated to write because, well, one, I'm lazy, and two, I think I get everything I want to say off my chest at therapy, so I don't feel the desire to write it all down again. I guess I'll just say that I've been fine. Yes, there have been some ups and downs (I won't even discuss the fucking election, Jesus Christ) but generally, I've been working through it all. Today is my brother's birthday and I love him so happy birthday bro.
Thursday, October 24th
Therapist appointment today. She told me that she wants me to think of the little tasks she's giving me as stuff I'm doing "for myself" rather than for her but noooo I've already developed an attachment to you and see you as a goddamn guardian or teacher to make proud now... Kinda joking obviously but it was a good appointment overall, made me realize that I want to spend more time with my family and go out and do things. I asked my mom about driving again and she agreed to help me practice, starting small of course. I'm happy I'm actually going out taking initative for some things now, realizing that I'm in control and shit helps keeps me motivated and out of my long slumps of depression and stuff. I don't know, I'm actually really tired right now because of my gaddayum dog. I love him but Jesus, it sucks so bad when he's scratching my door in the middle of the night to let me in the room. Sometimes, he doesn't even want to go outside, he just wants to lay in my bedroom with me. It's cute but I like having my door closed and sometimes my dog pants really loud, barks or farts and it kinda distracts me from sleeping. I dunno, gonna figure out something... Maybe I'll just leave my door open for now on? Just something I might have to get used to. I'm kinda just babbling about whatever but you know that's what I do best. I'm gonna take a fat nap.
Wednesday, October 23rd
How do I even start this? Well, I guess after my struggles with applying to transfer and all the job seeking stuff, my mother noticed and finally scheduled me to a psychatrist appointment. I didn't know how to feel. On one hand, I was somewhat glad at the idea of getting meds, because maybe finally I could fucking act normal, but at the same time, I was wondering if—what if there wasn't really anything wrong with me? What if, this was just who I am? This lazy, stupid husk. And medication was going to make no difference, because it's just... who I am. I don't know. But I went and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and started on fluoxetine. My mom kept asking me, "do you feel better?" and it made me upset. I don't know, it just feels like she just thinks everything will magically go away because I take a couple of pills and it just can't. It's deeper. I can't just be happy because of some drugs. I didn't understand how they worked. The first couple of weeks were horrible. I wasn't nauseous or anything, but I felt this deep emotionlessness inside of me. Like I was numb. When I would read my stupid fanfiction or watch a movie that would normally make me sob like a baby, I just couldn't cry. It's stupid because oh, isn't not crying a good thing? But no, I hated it. It was so frustrating, I felt worse, like I wasn't me. I couldn't express myself the way I wanted. Was is just a side effect that will go away, or what if my sadness, my ability to cry, was me? My melancholy and depression. What if I would never be able to release these pent up emotions? What if the medication is permanently fucking up my brain and it's too late now?
I also struggled a lot with the sexual side effects. Masturbating was one of the ways I relieved stress, but ever since taking the medication, I just couldn't orgasm anymore. I felt less sensitive, touching myself just didn't feel as good anymore. But my libido didn't go down, so often times, I would want to burst into tears because I couldn't orgasm but I just couldn't cry and I don't know. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that "these are just side effects, they'll go away eventually" and "I can always stop taking the meds if I want to". I was really close to stopping it though. Am I grateful I kept going? I don't know. I honestly still don't know if the meds are actually making me feel better. What I think really helped me is the therapy. During my struggles with dealing with the side effects of the medication, I begged my mom to help me get therapy too and she did. My therapist is very nice. I honestly didn't know what to expect, but being able to talk to someone, say everything that I've literally never told anyone else in my entire life just helped me feel so much better. I genuinely wouldn't have kept going with taking the meds if it wasn't for her. She helps me realize that I'm just overthinking things, that my worst case scenarios have no logic. That I am trying. That I have been changing, that I'm not the piece of useless garbage that I think I am. I don't know. I want to say I love her. It's dramatic, I know, she's literally just paid and trained to help people like me. But no one has ever made me change my way of thinking like she has.
She's encouraging me to take baby steps, and I used to feel ashamed about it, like I wasn't doing enough because I just wanted to get over my depression and anxiety as fast as possible, but she reminded me of how much better I'm doing. I'm actually getting up from bed instead of sleeping all day, I'm leaving my room, I'm fucking going outside and taking walks, man. I contacted an old friend to catch up with them because I wanted connections (It didn't turn out so well, but honestly, I'm not that bummed about it). I finally drew, again. Things I never did before. And I actually am going to ask my family to help me practice driving again, and I don't feel scared about it. I don't feel scared. I don't feel scared. It's such a bizarre thing for me to even think. I just need to take small steps, slowly gain my independence. I suppose it's easier to say now—one of the reasons why I was so depressed and anxious about everything is because of how dependent I still am on my family. I can't even drive on my own, but at the same time, I was terrified of it. Terrified of being alone. But now, instead, I'm thinking about all the things I can do when I'll be able to drive on my own. I'm thinking about how happy I'll be with gaining a piece of independence. How I can make friends if I'll be able to leave on my own accord. I don't know, I love my therapist. I do.
I went out to a public shopping center with my little sister last Sunday. Asking her to do it was a spur of the moment decision, almost. I wanted to spend time with her, but it was initially just walking around the lake or something. But, we had fun. She took advantage of the fact that I was paying for everything, but I don't blame her. I heard her say "I want to do everything because I never go out" and it made me sad. My parents are like me, they stay in. They don't go out, no matter how much they talk about it. And it keeps my little sister bored. Another reason to learn how to drive: to take my little sister out whenever I want.
The day before, we walked around our lake, and then in some wilderness area for fun. I enjoyed it a lot, more than the shopping center because of how quiet it was. I love when there's no people around, just nature. It made me want to go fishing, and I asked my dad about it. He thought it was a good idea, but I'm not sure if he'll ever actually bring us out. Anyways, it was really fun. We collected rocks, clam shells, and even some big ass snail shells that I didn't know lived around here. While we were at the more isolated area, it was funny because there was a snail shell in the middle of the water, and we were trying to get it, but all of the sudden, this stupid fucking frog just scurries by like a lightning bolt and jumpscares the shit out of us. It looked so silly when it ran too. If we were actual predators or something, little man would've been fucked.
That was the most I ever walked in two days in a row. I was so damn tired, I slept for like, the entirety of Monday and Tuesday. It was fun though. I have a lot to talk to my therapist about, and that's always a good thing. She reassures me that it's okay if I don't do the little "tasks" she assigns me, or if I feel like there's nothing to talk about because it's my session and it can be about whatever I want it to be about, but I always want to do them. I want to get better, I want to try. I want to show improvement with each session.
I talked to my brother a lot. He's in Japan right now, Okinawa. Even though he's working hard, he's enjoying his free time there. He bought us lots of gifts and snacks, he shows me pictures, he always talks to me. I have the best brother ever. I love him a lot, I don't know how I got so lucky. I love my family a lot. My mom and dad and little sister have always showed me affection. I want to return the affection now.
I'm not really sure where I was going with all of this. Yapping, as per usual. Everytime I feel like something is going to be hard to do, I end up realizing that it's not so bad after I finally push myself and do it. This entry is another one of those things. There's more I want to say, but I also don't really know how to say it or fit it in right now. So, I hope I'll begin writing normally again, under better circumstances. I want to talk about the things I enjoy. I will try.
Saturday, October 19th
Hey, it's been a while. I've been meaning to write, but it seems like I only feel motivated to when I feel upset. Things have been looking better. I've been getting therapy and medication, for the first time in probably a decade. I do genuinely feel happier. I'll try to write a more full-fledged entry tomorrow, but I just wanted to say that, I'm fine. It's been getting better.
Friday, August 23rd
I don't know why I thought I could be loved and cherished forever. I am by default, an incredibly unloveable person. Lazy and undeserving. A burden, just another mouth to feed. I wish I could be hidden away forever. I wish I wasn't so fucking useless. I hate myself so much. Why am I like this? Why the fuck am I like this? I wish I could just curl up and die. I wish I would die. I really wish I would die, more than anything in the world. I provide nothing. I'm not even pretty or sweet enough to be adored and loved by just my appearance or personality alone. Reality is hitting me nonstop and I don't want to be here anymore. Get me out of here. Get me the fuck out of here. Before I become an even worse disappointment than before. God, just kill me. Just kill me. Just kill me. Just kill me. Just kill me. Just fucking do it oh my god someone please. What am I even talking about anymore? I just want to die.
Friday, August 9th
My mom said she might know why I like the ducks so much—being near them makes you feel like you're on a farm almost, since when she feeds them, she's reminded of when she used to live in rural Philippines on a farm. I don't think she's wrong, I've always talked about how I would like to have chickens for some reason, so I guess the ducks are kinda the second closest, except they're much cuter! Well, the females are, at least.
I said it before, but I'll say it again because of the amount of times I've seen people link their Twitters on their personal websites—I think people who still use Twitter are stupid. You complain that you hate how social media has ruined personal self expression on the internet, yet you're still using and supporting that same social media? Just delete it. If you want to make a website to link all your social media, just use carrd or linktree or something.
Anyways, I have the best older brother ever. He's in the air force in Nevada, and even though I don't see him anymore, we usually talk over the phone or on Discord. He sent me some pictures of him eating at some Hawaiian resturant that was having a Sonic the Hedgehog collab, and I was so jealous because of the cool Shadow the Hedgehog themed items. But, I just got a package from him today, and guess what it had in it?
The freaking Shadow merchandise (Can you even call it that? Whatever it's cool)!!! I was so caught off guard, he just said that he was going to send me the duplicate trading cards he had, but of course, like I said, he's epic and he surprised me. He also got me a souvenir shirt and alien plush toy from his air force base, both of which are also freaking awesome. I have the alien plush toy hanging directly in front of me on my wall. It's so cute, and its hands are magnetic.
These were the trading cards I was talking about, Bocchi the Rock themed! Of course, when he said he had duplicates he didn't want, I wanted them all, because I just love this silly little anime so freaking much. He also had a bunch of extra card sleeves, so he gave me some ones I wanted (mostly Hololive). Oh, and a random Mumei card. Into the trading card collection they go, maybe I should post the full collection here soon too?
Not only did my brother's epic package arrive, but my Marpple order arrived too. It was just a couple of tiny, but very very awesome, things—
MY KINGGGG I'm so HAPPY I was able to get this! Rockstar doesn't get merch very often and I thought Marpple was exclusive to Korea only, so I'm glad I actually looked it up and found out that they ship internationally. However, this means that I was also actually able to get the Summer Soda Festa merch, but I didn't because I was stupid and now it's never going to come back!!! I'm still sad about that, but at least I have this, his super epic costume is so awesome and I love him so much.
Anyways, I've been in a decent mood recently. My birthday is coming up in three days (Agugust 12th) and we're celebrating it tomorrow. Yep, gonna be 20, so depressing. But whatever, I'm having a good day today, and I won't let that ruin it. Also I bought the Papa's Freezeria Deluxe on Steam and I've been playing it so much recently. Yes, I am an adult. Shut up.
Tuesday, July 23rd
Listening to: Buck-Tick - Sakura
Yesterday, the niacin capsules arrived and today, I mixed frozen blueberries, canned cooked chickpeas (washed to remove extra sodium), canned corn (also washed), birdseeds, and oats with niacin and served it to them on water. They really loved the food, they ate it all quickly. Of course, I prioritized feeding the limping duck, so she ate the most. I know it's not the best (especially with the canned vegetables), but I was working with what I had, I haven't had the chance to get the peas yet. I've read that ducks like dog food, I think I'll also try to give them some next time (after inspecting what's in the dog food, of course). I also think I won't add water again this time and instead serve the water on the side, just so I can really make sure the niacin is getting in the ducks.
I love yuri and I love music. The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy at All is fucking amazing, the amount of references to real rock bands is making me geek out. It's like the author looked through my playlist before writing. They even mentioned Reptilia by The Strokes, which is one of the best songs ever. Everytime I see them wearing band shirts with bands I love, I just get a goofy smile on my face. The two main characters remind me a bit of Ryo and Kita from Bocchi the Rock, but just a teeny bit. Actually Mitsuki is kinda like if you merged Ryo and Bocchi together, lol. Mitsuki is so relatable. It's crazy, I have an original character that's based off of me, and it's scary how much Mitsuki is like her, right down to the freaking protective former rockstar uncle. Aya is so adorable too, she's not a stereotypical gyaru you see in anime, but instead, she seems like a genuine modern teenager you would see nowadays.
It's kinda insane that there's someone in Japan that has like, the exact same music taste as me even though they can't understand the lyrics. It's like how I love Buck-Tick and visual kei even though I can't understand it either. Just like what Aya said in the manga — you can just feel it, you know?
I binged what's available so far, I can't wait for more.
Friday, July 21st
Listening to: The angry thoughts in my head
I hate our neighbors. We have a lake in our neighborhood, and our neighbor found two abandoned (allegedly, I'm not sure if they actually were) baby ducks and took them in. They then went to the pet store and bought two more ducks, because I don't fucking know why. So, they keep these four ducks cramped up in a tiny ass cage in their backyard, where they literally can't even move. To make matters worse, his stupid fucking dog kept barking at the ducks when she was out, and for some reason, he thought that was funny? It's horrible enough to watch, but then, they decided to let them go back in the lake after raising them. Seems like the best call, and they actually seemed to have adapted to the lake well enough, but I noticed that all of the ducks in the flock are rather small. I just assumed they were all small females, since I didn't see a curly feather on their tails (however, a lot of ducks at our lake that I know are male have lost their curly tails and haven't gotten them back, so the lack of curl is not really definitive proof). But then, I realized that one of the ducks was limping. Again, I assume it must've gotten injured from running, because the ducks at our lake are rather territorial and aggressive towards any duck outside of their flocks, but I saw that it was walking in a pigeon-footed way. Later, my dad found out by talking to our neighbor that the reason the duck walks like that is because of malnutrition. The most insane part is that he then asks my dad, "What do you guys feed them?" Um, what the fuck? You were taking care of those ducks and you didn't bother to fucking look up what to feed them??? Are you mentally retarded? And then after realizing that you fucked up those ducks by starving them of the proper food and nurtients, you decided to just dump them back out in the lake, abstaining responsibility instead of I dunno, actually fixing your mistakes and taking care of them or sending them to some sort of wildlife facility? I don't care if you admit that "you fucked up", there was so much you could've done to fix it after the realization, but you didn't!!! You are evil and stupid. Why the FUCK would you buy two more ducks if you didn't fucking know how to take care of them in the first place!?!? Do you fucking know what GOOGLE is?????
I love those ducks, they are very pretty and sweet. One of them even eats out of my hand, which is rare. I realized now that not all of them might be female, because they could just be small males due to malnutrition. I later looked up what might result in pigeon-footed ducks, and I found out that it's because of a lack of niacin (not shocked the neighbor didn't know, he seems to be fucking retarded). Ducks get niacin naturally from peas in the wild, but because they're flightless and live in the lake, they're not going to get that. I had a bag of frozen peas, so I decided to defrost them and give them to the flock, and the limping duck was the first one to immediately go for the peas and gobble them all up. It definitely needed those. I'm going to buy peas from the store and niacin capsules to mix together and feed to the duck. God, I hope I can reverse the damage the neighbor had done, I can't stand to see it limping like that. I love my dog, but he hates the ducks and would try to chase after them if there wasn't a fence blocking the way, so I can't take the duck in myself (because trust me, I most definitely would). I'm just sad and worried. I can't stop thinking of the duck. I want it to be okay.
Friday, July 19th
Listening to: Pixies - Hey (The band name is always first, it's just how it's supposed to be).
To elaborate on my introduction, I think the reason the idea that what I'm putting out there isn't me disturbs me so much is that it means that the interactions I have with other people online aren't real. They are reacting and forming a "bond" to what I want them to see, not who I am. So, am I even likeable? Do people actually want to be friends with me? As you can probably already tell, I'm a bit of a lonely person, so the internet, mostly my website, are my only sources of contact with people that aren't my family, so I want to try actually make friends here, lol.
I already spoke about my website, so I might as well talk more about it. I have another website on Neocities, one that used to be my main personal website. However, I've grown unhappy with it, for, well, the reason I've been talking about this entire time: I don't feel that it represents me anymore, even though I put a lot of work in coding it, building the pages, and writing in my journal. I looked at other people's websites to figure out the norms and built my website to abide by those "rules", even if I didn't want to, and I feel like I can't undo it anymore since so many people have already seen it. I think I'll still keep it up though, more as an art piece, I guess.
What I like a lot to this site compared to Neocities is the lack of dashboard. The dashboard always made me uncomfortable, I didn't want people seeing the exact shit I update the moment I update it, especially when it's one of my journal entries (which usually consists of self-deprecating yapping), and then immediately comment on it or like it. I know it seems contradictory since I just said I want to make friends by being real but shit, I don't know, I'm insecure, just talk to me in private. I know you can disable the dashboard, but I can't bring myself to do it and risk alienating myself from others when it's the norm to keep the dashboard up so people can comment. Now that I'm typing it out, I realize how stupid it is, I know, I am a highly contradictory person, it's one of my most annoying traits. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Maybe I don't want friends, maybe I just want people to quietly observe me. No, actually, that sounds horrifying, I don't know what I want.
I feel more isolated here, even though I'm literally posting all of my thoughts on the world wide web just like on my old website. I guess it's more accurate to say that I enjoy the illusion of it, that there's not really eyes on me. And maybe there isn't, because it seems harder to follow and keep track of websites here, which is great.
I'm going to try to journal more, perhaps by implementing a "mini blog" of some sort (I hate the word blog, it sounds stupid but I can't think of anything else to describe it). I don't usually have the motivation to write a whole entry, but I always have little thoughts that I like to share, so I think it'll be good for me.